[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Why are bridges so flammable.