Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Me too 😆
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I put the h in mysterious.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.