A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.