my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
How do you like your Corgi?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.