Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The Friday File.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week