Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run