I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away