Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.