“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
March 16
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.