Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working