My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.