me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend