My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
You Might Also Like
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
🙁
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.