Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.