My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point