prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*