Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.