My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
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me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Mornin
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.