God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job