FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.