Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
OMG 🤣🤣
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ