Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I wish I could veto my bills.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.