there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
You Might Also Like
“no gods no masters” = leo
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Order here:
More here:
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”