Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Please do it!
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
they really do be looking like this
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.