I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
That’s enough internet for the day
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
he’s doing your taxes
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.