I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn鈥檛 have a comma named after it.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I鈥檝e decided what I want for dinner.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
馃槀馃槀
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa Mar铆a only to find Dora had already explored America.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn鈥檛 say he loved making toast in the bath
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now