Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Ferrari squats
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am