[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
You Might Also Like
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
incredible book dedication
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar