Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?