My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
A French press is when you hug naked
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.