when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.