[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda