[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I falcon love using swear birds
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter