A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.