*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”