The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”