Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
those birds must be on payroll
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Seek kebab; not attention
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
What flavor cupcake are these
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …