Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.