If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Good morning, Twitter x