Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My safe word is Worcestershire
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME