ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I feel it
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it