Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
can you read it!!??
maan!
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.