me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
That lamp looks PISSED.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
no regrets
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.