I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
and now we wait
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers