If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
he was correct
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.