Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Childbirth is so beautiful
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*