Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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back to work
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*