Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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won’t smith
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie