I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
2022 be like
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
he’s doing your taxes
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!