who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
sigh
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine